Feeling Blah

have you ever just felt, well, blah? Like nothing is really exceptionally bad but nothing is exceptionally good either?  This is a strange spot to be in. I have so many personal things going on right now but oh so much to be happy about.  It is a strange place to be standing in. 

I have decided to make this the “Summer of Positivity.” And I am hoping that being positive and happy with life will bring me out of this blah phase.  I think I will start today. 

Three things I am feeling really positive about:

1.  School’s out! Two more in-service days and I am free for the next three months!

2. My kids are cute and relatively well behaved.

3. Turkey sandwiches with Colby jack cheese.  I really love those! 

  

  

  

 I have no idea who took these pictures or when they were taken.  Hahahahahahahahaha! 

The Struggle is Real

Dieting is torture.

It is pure and utter bullshit.

And to think I have to do this for the rest of my life is enough to push me right over the edge.

You can sugar-coat dieting by saying it is a “lifestyle change” or you are “developing healthy habits” or you are trying to eat “Whole foods” but any way you put it, for me, it is a diet.

A diet I will be on until the day that I die.

You see, I don’t crave salads or beets or granola or whole wheat or eating light or Greek yogurt.

I enjoy eating in bulk and ice cream and fried foods and Chinese and snacks and cookies and ALL THE JUNK ALL THE TIME.

I think part of the issue I am having with losing weight this time is I just do not want to have to do it.  I don’t want to give up all of those things that I truly enjoy.  I know, nothing tastes as good as thin feels…but in the moment, the food does taste REALLY GOOD and the guilt I feel isn’t THAT BAD and I can justify and justify and justify my way up the scale.

You lose and gain weight one bite at a time.

I can have a really good day and eat well and exercise…but one slip can send me into a downward spiral that might take me days or even weeks to pick myself back up and get on the diet-train again.

Maybe I am complaining a bit.  Maybe I am a “Debbie Downer.”

But this is life.  This is my reality.

And it sucks.

Life

Oh life.

It is such a drag sometimes.

I feel like most teacher’s feel the same way in May…it is like complete limbo-land…you have so much to do to finish the end of the year but all you want is to start summer break already.  

UGH, I hate it.

My project lists are great but my desire to just hang out in the sunshine and be a mom is greater.  I am not complaining, just stating a fact.

  

 Things have been status quo for the last few weeks. Nothing exciting or blog-worthy.  Ryan turned 10 months and will soon be 11 months and dare I say that I am having a little bit of baby-fever???  I miss my little bitty boo and I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe there may be room in our family for one more…then I shake myself awake and remember that I am barely keeping up with the kids I have and I am just starting to ever so carefully (in a hushed tone) sleep through the night again…but then BABIES!!!!  I love BABIES!!!!  I guess I will leave that one in the hands of God for now (and forever, really).  

I am getting truly pumped for the summer and relaxing a little bit.   I happen to love not having to rush out the door every morning for work. 

On the fitness and dieting front…I am feeling like I am finally getting my groove back (Stella, ha!) after a few months of slacking a bit.  I have been tracking my food and moving my buns and I seem to be on the (slow) track down the scale…again.  I really need to get myself in better shape because I will be spending the majority of the summer in a bathing suit or strapped to a rollercoaster. 

I also have been making the most delicious grilled and healthy dinners.  Tonight we are having Mexican Chicken that is heavy on the veggies and light on the cheese.  I love it and the kids love it so it is a win!

  

maybe a new segment – looks disgusting, tastes delicious

A Day for Us

Megan’s Mothers Day Tea was this morning and it was completely bittersweet. My girl is growing up and this is the beginning of the end of her toddler years. She will be starting kindergarten in the fall and will officially be one of the big kids.

in front if the picture of mommy she made


My first baby is no longer a baby and as I am moving into this new phase of motherhood I cannot help but smile through some tears. Life does move so quickly and I can’t wrap my head   around what a sweet, lovely, caring, sensitive, kind little lady she is. I am forever blessed with her.  
  
I am beyond lucky to have this time with Megan. I was so proud of her today. Being her mom is one of my greatest accomplishments in life.

  

Happy This Week

I feel like I look at everything so doom and gloom lately and I have no idea why.  My life is so awesome!

I am stealing from one of my favorite bloggers this week to tell you all the things that are making me happy!


Exercise and eating right have been a top priority this week and you know what? I feel a million times better physically and it has given me a major mental boost!


Date night tonight.  Yes! We have passed the kids off to different family members and will be going on a double date with a fun (new to me) couple.  I might even have a drink (CRAZY!!!)


Open-toed shoes.  I love me a flip flop and once spring break is over I bust out all of my cute summery shoes.


Manicures.  I have been treating myself (with Gift Cards) to manicures about every three weeks for the past few months and I love it!  They lift my mood and make me feel so pretty.


Baseball and soccer season has started.  While this is somewhat stressful for me, I love watching my kids grow and play and achieve in physical activities. 


Megan had kindergarten testing this week and she will be with me at school next year.  So fun!


Tyler is hilarious, even when he is being a stinker.  This week he told me, “Tyler is my name, climbing is my game.” Where does he get that from?????


Baby Ryan makes me happy all the time.  He is, seriously, the happiness, most content baby I know.  His smile and laugh is totally contagious!

   

   

Question of the Day

What do you do with all the Easter candy you have left over in your house?

We are blessed with a lot of family who love our kids more then life itself.  With that, every holiday is a “mini-Christmas” for them.  It is awesome and generous and amazing.  It is also over-whelming and crazy and insane.

TWELVE Easter baskets floated through our house…three from the Easter bunny (us), six from the grandparents on both sides of the family and three from a favorite aunt.  My brother decided give gift cards to Target this year which was a blessing.

Believe me, I appreciate everything!  The kids god awesome swim suits, new clothes and shoes, and a lot of fun outdoor play things (especially BUBBLES, my favorite!)

But the candy, oh the candy.  We have so much that I gave a gallon bag full of it to a family in need and we still have a ton sitting around.  Not good for me or for anyone in our family.

So, what do you do with all the candy???

A New Day

I am back.

Between Easter and Spring Break (spring cleaning, really) and some not so stellar days…

I am back.

I have realized over the last couple of weeks as I have been tracking my food and my behaviors and talking to a great friend that I am an addict.

A food addict.

I have a chemical dependency for sweet food and salty food and all food, really.  Once I start munching on something, I have a hard time stopping and when I feel like I need to “sneak” food or like I am not going to have enough food (which is really like never, but in my head it is all the time) I try and eat as much as I can and hoard food and binge.

It is awful.  It is something I am going to have to deal with and be aware of for the rest of my life.

Some days I am strong and some days I am weak and some days I am fine on my own and some days I need help.  It is just the facts of life.

Since last Wednesday I have been preparing myself to get back on track.  I have been working on seeing where the downfalls and binges are happening and become more aware of my feelings when such instances occur.

When I have a schedule that I can stick to normally I am fine.  When I come in with a plan and follow the plan accordingly, I feel in-control and it makes me feel calm and sane and like “I can do this!” But when the plan falls short or things change (which is like, all the time) my mind does crazy things.

Like lunch, for instance…if I make a good and healthy lunch and I eat it in my classroom I am fine and totally satisfied. However, if I enter the Faculty Room and there is any type of snack sitting on the table it is over.  I want it all!!!!!  This happened today and I literally had to give myself a silent pep-talk in order to get out of there.  I am proud of myself for that.

I am doing a little junk food “cleanse” of sorts for the next few weeks.  I have already noticed that chips and cookies are major trigger foods for me.  I have also noticed how much of that unhealthy food is in my home and just sitting there…it is really kind of sickening.

I have also been listening to the “Half-Size Me” podcast.  My BBF introduced it to me and I am in love! It is like therapy knowing that there are so many other people how have the same struggle.  I have to believe that a spark has been lit in me and I am ready to get this weight off once and for all.

I don’t have a goal right now of where I want to be.  I know where I have always felt most comfortable, and I would like to get back there someday.  For now, I would like to see the scale move down slowly and consistently.  Would I like to lose 50 pounds by the summer?  Of course!  Is that realistic? NO!  SO I just want to see the scale go down.  That’s all.

So here I am, starting over.

Again.

I refuse to get depressed about it.  I just need to move forward.

Today is a new day.