I have been in a funk for the past couple of weeks. Not a funk like I am in a high state of depression and I need medication OMG now or I am going to have a breakdown. But funky enough to feel like it is hard to get up in the morning, to get motivated to be a great teacher, to eat well and exercise hard, and to stay calm and patient at night with the kids. I try to do everything right everyday, but I do stumble. I don’t know if it is Shawn working in the evenings or what, but I have just been sad. You know?
I am sad for my friend who is suffering through infertility, sad for myself because I do not have a great network of friends here to talk to and set up play dates with and just bond with, sad that my dad died, sad that my mom doesn’t live closer, sad that my mother in law has back problems, sad that I am over-weight, sad that I lost my phone, sad for my husband working second shift…you name it and I am sad about it.
When I get sad I tend to spend a lot of time in prayer. After I have put the kids to bed in the evening I focus on devoting time to sitting in silence listening to God. I know he has divine plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), but I just wish I knew what they were. I question whether I am good enough…am I a good enough wife? Mother? Teacher? Daughter? Sister? Friend? At times I feel like I am, but right now, I just feel blah… But that is human nature. We want an answer now and we want a good one. I know I need to be patient and live in the moment. I know I am doing everything I can today, and that is all that is expected of me. I go to bed every night knowing that today was the best day that it could be. That has to be “enough.”
This weekend I am bound and determined to make a good one. I want to do a lot of fun stuff with the kids (bounce house, anyone?) and I also want to reconnect with Shawn. I get myself so wound up about not having a good marriage and not spending enough time with my husband. I think that is the worst part of him working in the evenings…I start to feel like we are strangers passing in the night. We literally do not see each other Monday through Friday which makes it hard for us to make any kind of decisions together. I married Shawn because I like spending time with him, so this kind of stinks. I am thankful he is working, I am thankful for our texts, and I am thankful I have a husband who cares so much about his family. But, it still does not make it easier. This too shall pass; I just have to keep telling myself that.
Something that did make me happy today…our tradition of going to the gym and then to McDonald’s on Friday night! I love not cooking, the kids love nuggets and fries. It is a win-win! Also, I have instituted “No bath Fridays” which pretty much rocks my world!!!
Have a great weekend!