I have been struggling.
I don’t know if it is the weather or the endless sickness in my home or what, but it has been a rough month for me. I feel somewhat depressed and defeated and like there is so much to do and not enough time to do it.
Some days I feel like my sole purpose is nanny, cook and maid. I am not feeling the love around me. I feel worthless and unimportant and robot-like. It is a terrible place to be.
I cry at the drop of a hat (I know this is pregnancy hormones) and I have a hard time explaining why I am so sad. I am sort of freaking out about being a mom of three.
There, I said it.
I don’t know if I am cut out for three kids. I have a hard time wrangling two. I keep telling myself Megan and Tyler will be six months older by the time Baby R gets here, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling overwhelmed with the thought of it.
Most people don’t see this side of me because I hide it well. In the public eye I am positive and hopeful and always willing to help. I say “yes” even though in my mind I want to say no. I smile when I want to cry.
But I am resentful. I let things fester in my mind. I think about terrible thoughts.
I know this is just a season and it will pass…but trudging through this time has been rough. I am sure there are many people out there who have these same sorts of feelings…fulfilled yet completely unfulfilled…loved but unloved…happy and sad at the same time.
And, I actually hate feeling like this. I feel like a fool because I have so many wonderful things happening and people in my life. I just have a hard time seeing the “glass half full” at times.
I guess I just need to keep moving forward.
Part of this issue (I think) is due to not exercising. I know that exercise does wonders for my mental state and with all this sickness I have not consistently been to the gym in weeks. That changed yesterday. I did 3 miles on the treadmill last night before taking the kids down to the pool for a short swim that I promised them. It felt good to be out and doing SOMETHING. I also made some exercise goals for myself over the course of the next couple of months, I will always put the health of my baby first, but if I am feeling good I want to push myself in the second trimester.
I actually feel better putting my thoughts down in writing. I might not be ready to move forward, but it is a start.