It is not a secret that I have been feeling a little bit “off” lately. It could be blamed on a lot of things, but I would say it mostly has to do with my attitude and the choices I have been making. You see, we all control our own destiny (with a bunch of God mixed in there, but that is for another post). We all make a choice every morning when we awake what version of ourselves we are going to display (thank you, Matthew Kelly, for teaching me those words). Every day is an opportunity to show the best version of yourself. I must admit, this choice seems to have been harder to make over the last few months.
I have been very tired.
I have been feeling fat.
I don’t like how my clothes fit.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel worthless.
I feel under-appreciated.
I feel over-worked.
On and on and on…
I have made a choice over the last few months to spend a lot of time in self-pity. It may not seem like that to the outside world (I am an excellent actress), but about 90% of my attitude has been in self-loathing mode. It needs to stop. I need to bring myself out of this funk.
The weirdest part about this “funk” is that when people compliment me, I take it as a complete insult. For instance, I made reindeer cake pops over the weekend and posted a picture of them on Facebook as Megan and I left for a cookie exchange…so many people made comments about them; nice things, like, “how do you have the time?” or “you are a super-mom, how do you do it with three kids?” or “I envy your talent.” With each comment I felt about as big as my pinky nail. I felt like people were judging me and telling me I was sacrificing time with my family to make them. I felt like I needed to justify my decision to make cake pops instead of playing with my kids or attending to my baby. I had myself in a complete tizzy about the whole thing. I went to bed in tears that night.
That’s how I feel a lot of the time. Like if I go to the gym people judge me because I am a working mom and I am spending EVEN MORE TIME away from my kids…or if I go out to dinner with friends, or make plans for the future, or anything…judge, judge, judge. I know this is in my head. I know it. I also know that I am the only person that can stop this feeling. And, if I really dig deep I can see a light.
Slowly I am trying to work my way out of this. I am trying to not take things so personally, but it is hard for me to change this mind-set. I have big plans for 2015…and I am gearing up for those so I am feeling in transition right now. Anyone who knows me knows I hate transitions. HA!
Seriously, why do I care if people judge me anyway? I am raising my kids the best way I know how and that has to be good enough for me. I am taking care of myself so I can be a better mom. If I want to have another baby I should not feel like the world thinks I am crazy. Anything I do I am doing with good intentions.
I just have to keep telling myself that.
Over and over and over again.
Like, a lot.