I am back.
Between Easter and Spring Break (spring cleaning, really) and some not so stellar days…
I am back.
I have realized over the last couple of weeks as I have been tracking my food and my behaviors and talking to a great friend that I am an addict.
A food addict.
I have a chemical dependency for sweet food and salty food and all food, really. Once I start munching on something, I have a hard time stopping and when I feel like I need to “sneak” food or like I am not going to have enough food (which is really like never, but in my head it is all the time) I try and eat as much as I can and hoard food and binge.
It is awful. It is something I am going to have to deal with and be aware of for the rest of my life.
Some days I am strong and some days I am weak and some days I am fine on my own and some days I need help. It is just the facts of life.
Since last Wednesday I have been preparing myself to get back on track. I have been working on seeing where the downfalls and binges are happening and become more aware of my feelings when such instances occur.
When I have a schedule that I can stick to normally I am fine. When I come in with a plan and follow the plan accordingly, I feel in-control and it makes me feel calm and sane and like “I can do this!” But when the plan falls short or things change (which is like, all the time) my mind does crazy things.
Like lunch, for instance…if I make a good and healthy lunch and I eat it in my classroom I am fine and totally satisfied. However, if I enter the Faculty Room and there is any type of snack sitting on the table it is over. I want it all!!!!! This happened today and I literally had to give myself a silent pep-talk in order to get out of there. I am proud of myself for that.
I am doing a little junk food “cleanse” of sorts for the next few weeks. I have already noticed that chips and cookies are major trigger foods for me. I have also noticed how much of that unhealthy food is in my home and just sitting there…it is really kind of sickening.
I have also been listening to the “Half-Size Me” podcast. My BBF introduced it to me and I am in love! It is like therapy knowing that there are so many other people how have the same struggle. I have to believe that a spark has been lit in me and I am ready to get this weight off once and for all.
I don’t have a goal right now of where I want to be. I know where I have always felt most comfortable, and I would like to get back there someday. For now, I would like to see the scale move down slowly and consistently. Would I like to lose 50 pounds by the summer? Of course! Is that realistic? NO! SO I just want to see the scale go down. That’s all.
So here I am, starting over.
I refuse to get depressed about it. I just need to move forward.
Today is a new day.