Mid-Week/Start of the Week

This has been the weirdest week.  Coming back to work on a Wednesday has done nothing for my state of mind.  I kept thinking all day that it was Monday.   It was really messing with my head…and my lesson plans!  Geesh!  And my students were CRAZY today…so loud and obnoxious.  I almost couldn’t stand it.  They should be glad that I am practicing patience in 2014 or there might have been heads rolling this afternoon.  The older I get the less tolerant of loud noises I have become.  I know it seems sort of psycho because I have young kids, but it is what it is.

 

I am in sort of a pickle.  I have one more class to take for my official license in Special Education.  I have another year to take the class.  But, I am starting to feel pressured like I have to take the class before Baby #3 arrives.  I looked at my local university and they do have a class on Wednesday from 4:30-6:45 starting next week and finishing up the first week of May.  I know I should just bite the bullet and take the class.  BUT I DON’T WANT TO!!!!  I just am feeling too lazy/overwhelmed/not in the mood to do it.  I also feel like I keep taking all of these classes to teach the same thing I have taught for the last ten years…a never ending spiral of class after class after class.  It is like I am spinning my wheels for nothing.  I guess I should do some research and see if there is an online course I could take to fulfill the requirement.  Or, just be a big girl and sign up at Xavier where I did all of my master’s work.

 

Truth be told, I am just being a baby about the whole thing.  I should just suck it up and do it!

 

In other, more positive news, I had the best work-out yesterday.  I have not been to the gym in ages and I thought it was going to be a horrible experience, but it wasn’t.  I increased my intensity and times and incline and I even ran a bit on the treadmill.  I started a new show on Netflix (House of Cards) and it looks like it is going to be a good one.  I actually felt like an athlete.  It was awesome.

I am going to try and be better about blogging this year.  I feel like I have so much to write about but I just have to do it.  I guess that is with everything in life…make priorities and then stick with them. 

Happy hump day, everybody!

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It Hurts so Good

I feel different this morning.
Like, a good, real different.
My body feels like it is working from the inside out.
My muscles are sore but I have a ton of energy.

It is amazing to me how much less food I can eat and actually feel sustained and not famished.
Surprisingly I have really loved everything that I have made (Besides the shot…I am still trying to get over that one).

When I woke up this morning it was really hard to get out of bed for a minute. I even hit snooze. Then I thought to myself, “what are you doing? Just get up and go!” And I did. I logged 3 miles before 6am and I am proud of that.

I am working on being the best version of myself everyday.
It is a work in progress, but I am up for the challenge.

No matter what the scale says at the end of the week, I am counting everyday as a victory.

Something’s Got to Give

Over the course of the last seven months I have spent a lot of time looking inward…seeing what about myself are strengths and weaknesses…observing how I interact with people…trying to figure out what makes me happy and what makes me sad. You would think this would be an easy task since I have lived within myself for 38 years…but it has been difficult and at times not pretty and frustrating.

Something has got to give.

The thing I hate most about myself is the thing that consumes the majority of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. It is what I base my whole life on. My weight. My constant companion. Whether I am losing or gaining, at a good place or a bad place, my mind always goes there. And I know it will for the rest of my life. At times I look only forward. This summer I have been working very hard…but I have not had great results (in my opinion).

I have never struggled to lose weight like I have in the past year. I have been to my general practitioner. I have been to my OB/GYN. All test are normal. Basically,I just have a very slow metabolism. I need to have a hard work out twice a day, but I do not have the energy or the drive to do it. It is not about time or commitment; it is about not wanting to wake up early in the summertime. I could easily get up at 5:00 while Shawn and the kids are sleeping a do a workout. But I don’t because, honestly, I don’t want to.

I also have a food addiction. It is hard to say no to things I love to eat and easy to justify over eating. I have been known to binge eat on many many occasions. I have a sweet craving that can send me into a spin if I am not careful. Food is not just nourishment for me, it is love and pleasure and all-consuming. When I veer off the straight and narrow just a little bit it can send me into a downward spiral so far that it takes weeks to recover.

And when I am not losing weight at a pace I deem acceptable, then it gets very easy for me to lose total control. I have felt myself getting that way in the last couple of weeks.

As far as exercising goes, I am committed. Sixty minutes five (or six) days a week has been the norm. I have found classes I like and that push me and I work hard on the treadmill and elliptical trainer. I have counted calories and stayed on track since June. I have also committed to a friend that once school starts I will be joining her three days a week for early morning, before work sweat sessions.

But the weight is just not coming off.

To say I am frustrated does not even skim the surface of how I am feeling. I feel desperate and alone and like a failure and a coward. It is debilitating and makes my mind go to places I do not want to be. It makes me want to eat…to stuff those feelings…to feed the beast so to speak.

I guess I can take assurance in some sense that I recognize what is happening an I am doing something about it, this weekend was not good…but I am feeling more positive and back on track this morning.

One day at a time.

Detox…It Ain’t Pretty

Friends. I have been experiencing some major symptoms for the past couple of days. Sweats, shakes, horrific headaches topped off by vomiting last night. At first I thought it was a bit of the stomach flu, but after further research (think, Liz, think!) I realized I am in the throws of detoxing from my former life into my new life…and it is not pretty.

You see, my addiction to food is much Iike an alcoholic’s addiction to alcohol or a drug addict’s addiction to their drug of choice. Food is my drug. I use it for comfort when I am lonely, to stuff pain away when I am sad, to celebrate the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Food is one of my closest friends, my love. Food addiction is a sick, sick disease. It is hard to wrap my head around it. It is a daily struggle and it is constantly on my mind. I wish it were different, but it is not. Hello, my name is Elizabeth and I am a food addict.

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no brush, no make-up, no problem

Not only have I stepped up my exercise and really controlled my eating starting on Tuesday morning, but I have also cut back on my precious love, caffeine. I started this journey (again!) with a clear head and a lot of self-based research. I see a direct correlation between caffeine consumption and over eating. I know that when I drink pop I tend to eat more at meals and during snack time. For years I have been rationalizing my love for diet soda by saying, “there is no sugar in it…it is a win!” when in reality it is really a means of feeding the beast. I am not giving up Cherry Coke Zero forever, but I am giving it up during this detox week. And it is a bitch.

Carbohydrates are also a vice of mine. This girls loves me some bread, pasta, cake, sugar, sugar, sugar. The problem with carbs is that I can eat and eat and eat and eat them ALL.DAY.LONG.The end.

Giving up carbs totally via the Adkins way would not work for me. When I deprive myself totally of things I get resentful and start eating other things to overcompensate. Not good. Instead, I am being very mindful of what carbs I am eating and especially how much. I am trying to cut back to the normal range of 200-300 grams daily, whereas I was eating probably close to 1000g a day. I will say in just two short days of lowering my carb intake I can feel a difference in my energy level.

I am hoping the detox came to a climax last night while I was shaking, puking, sweating, and crying simultaneously after putting the kids to bed. I know this journey will not be easy, but it will
be worth it. I also know that I am not in this alone. I need to ask for help. I need to face my addiction and pinpoint where and when I start to slide and STOP IT. That is always my problem. I have a hard time recognizing the downward spiral when it starts and cannot overcome it and get out once I am in the thick of it.

There you have it. Detox 101. It sucks.