A New Day

I am back.

Between Easter and Spring Break (spring cleaning, really) and some not so stellar days…

I am back.

I have realized over the last couple of weeks as I have been tracking my food and my behaviors and talking to a great friend that I am an addict.

A food addict.

I have a chemical dependency for sweet food and salty food and all food, really.  Once I start munching on something, I have a hard time stopping and when I feel like I need to “sneak” food or like I am not going to have enough food (which is really like never, but in my head it is all the time) I try and eat as much as I can and hoard food and binge.

It is awful.  It is something I am going to have to deal with and be aware of for the rest of my life.

Some days I am strong and some days I am weak and some days I am fine on my own and some days I need help.  It is just the facts of life.

Since last Wednesday I have been preparing myself to get back on track.  I have been working on seeing where the downfalls and binges are happening and become more aware of my feelings when such instances occur.

When I have a schedule that I can stick to normally I am fine.  When I come in with a plan and follow the plan accordingly, I feel in-control and it makes me feel calm and sane and like “I can do this!” But when the plan falls short or things change (which is like, all the time) my mind does crazy things.

Like lunch, for instance…if I make a good and healthy lunch and I eat it in my classroom I am fine and totally satisfied. However, if I enter the Faculty Room and there is any type of snack sitting on the table it is over.  I want it all!!!!!  This happened today and I literally had to give myself a silent pep-talk in order to get out of there.  I am proud of myself for that.

I am doing a little junk food “cleanse” of sorts for the next few weeks.  I have already noticed that chips and cookies are major trigger foods for me.  I have also noticed how much of that unhealthy food is in my home and just sitting there…it is really kind of sickening.

I have also been listening to the “Half-Size Me” podcast.  My BBF introduced it to me and I am in love! It is like therapy knowing that there are so many other people how have the same struggle.  I have to believe that a spark has been lit in me and I am ready to get this weight off once and for all.

I don’t have a goal right now of where I want to be.  I know where I have always felt most comfortable, and I would like to get back there someday.  For now, I would like to see the scale move down slowly and consistently.  Would I like to lose 50 pounds by the summer?  Of course!  Is that realistic? NO!  SO I just want to see the scale go down.  That’s all.

So here I am, starting over.

Again.

I refuse to get depressed about it.  I just need to move forward.

Today is a new day.

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Something’s Got to Give

Over the course of the last seven months I have spent a lot of time looking inward…seeing what about myself are strengths and weaknesses…observing how I interact with people…trying to figure out what makes me happy and what makes me sad. You would think this would be an easy task since I have lived within myself for 38 years…but it has been difficult and at times not pretty and frustrating.

Something has got to give.

The thing I hate most about myself is the thing that consumes the majority of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. It is what I base my whole life on. My weight. My constant companion. Whether I am losing or gaining, at a good place or a bad place, my mind always goes there. And I know it will for the rest of my life. At times I look only forward. This summer I have been working very hard…but I have not had great results (in my opinion).

I have never struggled to lose weight like I have in the past year. I have been to my general practitioner. I have been to my OB/GYN. All test are normal. Basically,I just have a very slow metabolism. I need to have a hard work out twice a day, but I do not have the energy or the drive to do it. It is not about time or commitment; it is about not wanting to wake up early in the summertime. I could easily get up at 5:00 while Shawn and the kids are sleeping a do a workout. But I don’t because, honestly, I don’t want to.

I also have a food addiction. It is hard to say no to things I love to eat and easy to justify over eating. I have been known to binge eat on many many occasions. I have a sweet craving that can send me into a spin if I am not careful. Food is not just nourishment for me, it is love and pleasure and all-consuming. When I veer off the straight and narrow just a little bit it can send me into a downward spiral so far that it takes weeks to recover.

And when I am not losing weight at a pace I deem acceptable, then it gets very easy for me to lose total control. I have felt myself getting that way in the last couple of weeks.

As far as exercising goes, I am committed. Sixty minutes five (or six) days a week has been the norm. I have found classes I like and that push me and I work hard on the treadmill and elliptical trainer. I have counted calories and stayed on track since June. I have also committed to a friend that once school starts I will be joining her three days a week for early morning, before work sweat sessions.

But the weight is just not coming off.

To say I am frustrated does not even skim the surface of how I am feeling. I feel desperate and alone and like a failure and a coward. It is debilitating and makes my mind go to places I do not want to be. It makes me want to eat…to stuff those feelings…to feed the beast so to speak.

I guess I can take assurance in some sense that I recognize what is happening an I am doing something about it, this weekend was not good…but I am feeling more positive and back on track this morning.

One day at a time.